The Man Who Gave Himself Ear Mites

We found something interesting in a cat book once.  Apparently, ear mites can be transmitted from cat to human ears–if you try hard enough!

The Man Who Gave Himself Ear Mites

Yes, someone really gave himself ear mites to prove that people could catch them from cats.  But it’s not a problem for the average person, because he had to work hard to get the infection established, and then he didn’t treat it.

It was indeed an unpleasant experience for him.  He continually heard scratching and moving sounds in his ear and suffered from itching and pain.  Eventually, it died down on its own.

For this sacrifice, he received not the Nobel Prize but the Ignoble Prize.  Plus his “accomplishment” ended up in the veterinary textbooks–and in some…silly stunt…books as well.

The symptoms for ear mites in people are probably similar to the ones for cats; holding your head to one side, shaking it, scratching your ears, and finding dark specks in there.  If you have these symptoms, check your cat.

The Cat Person’s Multiplication Table

This is a cute little verse about how you can find yourself collecting cats without realizing you’re doing it.  It’s been around for years, I’ve seen framed versions for sale in stores as well as seeing it passed around the internet in several places:

The Cat Person’s Multiplication Table

One cat needs a friend

so then you have two.

Somehow a third comes along

and what can you do?


The fourth was so sad-eyed

and needed a home

But when you picked her up

her sister came along.


The neighbor moved out

and guess what–left the cat!

How can people abandon

a sweetheart like that!!


The kind elderly lady

down the block passed away

She left you her darling

Now he has to stay.


People always find you

bringing sad stories and strays

You say “No, I can’t!”

But in the end, the cat stays.


You’re a bona fide Cat Person

A huge heart and veterinarian bill

You swear you’re getting rid of them all!

(But, of course, you never will.)

How To Give Your Cat A Pill

This is an oldie but REALLY goodie, with a LOT of truth to it!  We’ve seen this one in several places.  I don’t know who first came up with it, be there was certainly a lot of personal experience involved!

How To Give Your Cat A Pill

Pick your cat up and cradle her in the crook of your left arm as though holding a baby.  Position your right forefinger and thumb on either side of your cat’s mouth, and gently apply pressure to her cheeks.  When your cat opens up, pop the pill into her mouth.  Your cat will then close her mouth and swallow.

Retrieve the pill from the floor, and the cat from behind the sofa.  Repeat the process.

Retrieve your cat from your bedroom, and throw the soggy pill away.

Remove a second pill from the foil wrap, cradle your cat in your left arm while holding her rear paws tightly with your left hand.  Force her jaws open and push the pill to the back of her throat with your forefinger.  Hold mouth shut for a count of 10, if you are able.  Hold your cat’s mouth closed as well.

Retrieve the pill from the goldfish bowl and your cat from the top of your wardrobe.  Call for assistance.

Kneel on the floor with your cat wedged firmly between your knees, immobilizing her front and rear paws.  Ask your assistant to hold the cat’s head firmly with one hand while forcing a wooden ruler into her throat.  Flick the pill down the ruler with a forefinger, and rub the cat’s throat.

Retrieve the cat from the living room curtain valance.

Carefully sweep shattered figurines from the hearth, and set aside for later gluing.  Remove a third pill from the foil wrap.

Wrap the cat in a beach towel and ask your assistant to lie prone on the cat, with her head visible under the assistant’s armpit.  Put the pill in the end of a paper tube you’ve made for this purpose.  Then, force the cat’s mouth open with a pencil, and blow.

Check the label to make sure the pill is not lethal to humans.  Sip water to take the taste away.  Apply a bandage to your assistant’s forearm, and remove the blood from the carpet.

Retrieve the cat from the neighbor’s roof.  Remove a fourth pill from the foil.  Place the cat in a cupboard, and close the door on the cat with her neck and head still outside cupboard.  Force her mouth open with a dessert spoon.  Flick the pill down her throat with a rubber band.

Fetch a screwdriver from the garage and put the cupboard door back on its hinges.  Apply a cold compress to your cheek and check your medical records for the date of your last tetanus shot.  Throw your bloodied T-shirt away and fetch another from the bedroom.

Apologize to the neighbor who crashed into a fence while swerving to avoid a cat.

Call 911, ask the fire department to retrieve a cat from a tree.

Remove remaining pill from the foil wrap.

Tie your cat’s front paws to her rear paws with garden twine and securely tie to leg of dining table.  Put on heavy-duty pruning gloves.  Force the cat’s mouth open with a tire iron.  Drop the pill, previously hidden in one ounce of raw hamburger, into the cat’s mouth.  Hold her head vertically with the nose pointed to the ceiling, and pour one-half pint of water down the cat’s throat, and two jiggers of whisky down your own.

Ask your assistant to drive you to the emergency room.  Sit quietly while the doctor administers anesthetic, stitches your fingers and forearm, and removes pill remnants from your eye.

Drop off the cat, along with a generous donation, at an animal shelter, and adopt a gold fish.

A Cat’s Ten Commandments

This is our version of “The Cat’s Ten Commandments”:

  1. Thou shalt not jump, nor flop over onto the keyboard when thy human is on the computer; nor attempt to catch the mouse icon running around on the screen.
  2. Thou shalt not grab the end of the toilet paper and run off into the hall, down the stairs, and across the living room at full speed.
  3. Thou shalt not project hairballs from the top of the refrigerator; nor from the high shelving; and definitely not onto the furniture.
  4. Thou shalt not sit in front of the television as if thou art invisible.
  5. Thou shalt not jump onto thy sleeping human’s bladder, nor dance a foxtrot on their kidneys, at any time of the night, or day.
  6. Thou shalt not play with thy bell-toy in the bathtub; nor sing loudly in the bedroom doorway; nor attempt to violently rearrange the furniture with thy friends at 3 A.M. in the morning.
  7. Thou shalt not wind about thy human’s legs, even if they are walking too slowly; nor climb up their legs with full claws extended, just because they aren’t paying thee enough attention.
  8. Thou shalt not open the bathroom door when there are guests in thy house, no matter how proud thou art that thee canst manage to turn that doorknob.
  9. Thou shalt not jump onto the toilet seat just as thy human is sitting down on it.
  10. Thou shalt at least attempt to show remorse when being scolded.