This is an oldie but REALLY goodie, with a LOT of truth to it!  We’ve seen this one in several places.  I don’t know who first came up with it, be there was certainly a lot of personal experience involved!

How To Give Your Cat A Pill

Pick your cat up and cradle her in the crook of your left arm as though holding a baby.  Position your right forefinger and thumb on either side of your cat’s mouth, and gently apply pressure to her cheeks.  When your cat opens up, pop the pill into her mouth.  Your cat will then close her mouth and swallow.

Retrieve the pill from the floor, and the cat from behind the sofa.  Repeat the process.

Retrieve your cat from your bedroom, and throw the soggy pill away.

Remove a second pill from the foil wrap, cradle your cat in your left arm while holding her rear paws tightly with your left hand.  Force her jaws open and push the pill to the back of her throat with your forefinger.  Hold mouth shut for a count of 10, if you are able.  Hold your cat’s mouth closed as well.

Retrieve the pill from the goldfish bowl and your cat from the top of your wardrobe.  Call for assistance.

Kneel on the floor with your cat wedged firmly between your knees, immobilizing her front and rear paws.  Ask your assistant to hold the cat’s head firmly with one hand while forcing a wooden ruler into her throat.  Flick the pill down the ruler with a forefinger, and rub the cat’s throat.

Retrieve the cat from the living room curtain valance.

Carefully sweep shattered figurines from the hearth, and set aside for later gluing.  Remove a third pill from the foil wrap.

Wrap the cat in a beach towel and ask your assistant to lie prone on the cat, with her head visible under the assistant’s armpit.  Put the pill in the end of a paper tube you’ve made for this purpose.  Then, force the cat’s mouth open with a pencil, and blow.

Check the label to make sure the pill is not lethal to humans.  Sip water to take the taste away.  Apply a bandage to your assistant’s forearm, and remove the blood from the carpet.

Retrieve the cat from the neighbor’s roof.  Remove a fourth pill from the foil.  Place the cat in a cupboard, and close the door on the cat with her neck and head still outside cupboard.  Force her mouth open with a dessert spoon.  Flick the pill down her throat with a rubber band.

Fetch a screwdriver from the garage and put the cupboard door back on its hinges.  Apply a cold compress to your cheek and check your medical records for the date of your last tetanus shot.  Throw your bloodied T-shirt away and fetch another from the bedroom.

Apologize to the neighbor who crashed into a fence while swerving to avoid a cat.

Call 911, ask the fire department to retrieve a cat from a tree.

Remove remaining pill from the foil wrap.

Tie your cat’s front paws to her rear paws with garden twine and securely tie to leg of dining table.  Put on heavy-duty pruning gloves.  Force the cat’s mouth open with a tire iron.  Drop the pill, previously hidden in one ounce of raw hamburger, into the cat’s mouth.  Hold her head vertically with the nose pointed to the ceiling, and pour one-half pint of water down the cat’s throat, and two jiggers of whisky down your own.

Ask your assistant to drive you to the emergency room.  Sit quietly while the doctor administers anesthetic, stitches your fingers and forearm, and removes pill remnants from your eye.

Drop off the cat, along with a generous donation, at an animal shelter, and adopt a gold fish.